Another week
I currently weigh 211 pounds
Three pounds in a week. Again I am happy with the result.
What I'm not happy with...
I had a heart to heart with my partner and it was pointed out to me that I had started this journey at 295 pounds. I don't remember this weight, but s/o swears it is so. It may be the number just too hard for me to believe. It might be true, I have a history of blocking out what is too painful for me to remember. I'm comfortable with saying I started this journey at 280 pounds. I just don't think I was ever 295.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Anger and eating management
I used to be angry
I was angry at my job.
I was angry at distracted drivers.
I was angry with myself.
What Changed?
A Friend of mine kept saying, "It is what it is". I was even angry at that. I had her explain this statement to me. In her wisdom my friend Julie told me that I can only change me and my reaction, I had no choice in the rules of corporate life. It is what it is. I had to think about this as I am a little slow at times.
Her wisdom hits home
Once I discovered the meaning of this little gem of wisdom I finally did have some choices. I could play the game within the rules, I could bend the rules of the game to suit me, or I could quit this game and start another. That in itself was a big revelation. Thank the creator for Julie!
Who or what was I angry with?
Once I pondered this I discovered I was most angry with myself. How could I have wasted all my energies at something I could not bend enough to suit me. I wasn't strong enough to bend or break the circumstance I was in at the time.
The worst thing was I blamed myself.
Fool that I was, I had one pity party after another. Why couldn't I make a difference? Why wasn't I strong enough to make things change? Why is this happening to me?
See the picture?
Well it took Julie's little piece of wisdom and more than a few months of pondering to figure it out. In her five word truism, I wasn't seeing things the way things as they were. Like it or lump it. Take it or leave it, Work within the system. Fit in or f... off.
As slow as I am I took my time
In my position as Human Resources in a company that had declared reorganization bankruptcy I saw as they systematically went down the salaries one at a time and got rid of workers. Finally, I knew I was next - I recognized the pattern.
Relief to be retrenched
I was called into the General Managers office and was asked did I Know the only reason I was around was that the previous General Manager protected me. Stupid me. I thought the only reason I was around was I did my job and did the job of three others that they had got rid of. I was offered a part time position only guaranteed ten hours a week, two hours a day and would have to work five day.
WTF! moment
You mean I could keep this miserable job, do the same amount of work of four people, in ten hours a week, commuting fifty miles a day in horrible traffic - and take a pay cut since I'm will no longer be full-time and have to give up the benefits that I pay 100 percent of.
Anger and relief moment
At that pitiful offer I had to say "I'm sorry, but your offer doesn't interest me find some one else." The satisfaction was not more than a month later that General Manager was faced with the exact same worthless offer of continued employment - which he took! My reaction was swift I went to work with a temporary employment agency. I got to test many new types of jobs which utilized my existing qualifications. Joy of joy I got to go to work if I wanted, and get paid three times more. I found out that I am worth much more than X amount an hour doing Human resources at a retail location.
How is this management?
Well as many men: I do identify myself with my position. If I'm not working I have no identity or worth - hence I am lost and worthless.
How does this relate to my weight?
Julie's "It is what it is" realization: The past is the past It cannot be changed. I can dwell, stew, and cry all I want - it still happened. Once I embraced this thinking I was able to put things into a new perspective and live in the here and now. Sure I'm going to revert back in thought - as I am doing in this blog exercise - but I need to recognize
It happened once (to me)
I cannot change the past
I dealt with it a the time the only way I knew with the knowledge I had
It was what it was and no amount of anger with my reaction at the time can change it.
If only I knew a person as wise as Julie years ago I could have saved a lifetime of Anger.
Yes I was angry. Mostly at myself. I had higher standards and had sold myself cheap. I had beaten myself up time and again.
I was angry at my job.
I was angry at distracted drivers.
I was angry with myself.
What Changed?
A Friend of mine kept saying, "It is what it is". I was even angry at that. I had her explain this statement to me. In her wisdom my friend Julie told me that I can only change me and my reaction, I had no choice in the rules of corporate life. It is what it is. I had to think about this as I am a little slow at times.
Her wisdom hits home
Once I discovered the meaning of this little gem of wisdom I finally did have some choices. I could play the game within the rules, I could bend the rules of the game to suit me, or I could quit this game and start another. That in itself was a big revelation. Thank the creator for Julie!
Who or what was I angry with?
Once I pondered this I discovered I was most angry with myself. How could I have wasted all my energies at something I could not bend enough to suit me. I wasn't strong enough to bend or break the circumstance I was in at the time.
The worst thing was I blamed myself.
Fool that I was, I had one pity party after another. Why couldn't I make a difference? Why wasn't I strong enough to make things change? Why is this happening to me?
See the picture?
Well it took Julie's little piece of wisdom and more than a few months of pondering to figure it out. In her five word truism, I wasn't seeing things the way things as they were. Like it or lump it. Take it or leave it, Work within the system. Fit in or f... off.
As slow as I am I took my time
In my position as Human Resources in a company that had declared reorganization bankruptcy I saw as they systematically went down the salaries one at a time and got rid of workers. Finally, I knew I was next - I recognized the pattern.
Relief to be retrenched
I was called into the General Managers office and was asked did I Know the only reason I was around was that the previous General Manager protected me. Stupid me. I thought the only reason I was around was I did my job and did the job of three others that they had got rid of. I was offered a part time position only guaranteed ten hours a week, two hours a day and would have to work five day.
WTF! moment
You mean I could keep this miserable job, do the same amount of work of four people, in ten hours a week, commuting fifty miles a day in horrible traffic - and take a pay cut since I'm will no longer be full-time and have to give up the benefits that I pay 100 percent of.
Anger and relief moment
At that pitiful offer I had to say "I'm sorry, but your offer doesn't interest me find some one else." The satisfaction was not more than a month later that General Manager was faced with the exact same worthless offer of continued employment - which he took! My reaction was swift I went to work with a temporary employment agency. I got to test many new types of jobs which utilized my existing qualifications. Joy of joy I got to go to work if I wanted, and get paid three times more. I found out that I am worth much more than X amount an hour doing Human resources at a retail location.
How is this management?
Well as many men: I do identify myself with my position. If I'm not working I have no identity or worth - hence I am lost and worthless.
How does this relate to my weight?
Julie's "It is what it is" realization: The past is the past It cannot be changed. I can dwell, stew, and cry all I want - it still happened. Once I embraced this thinking I was able to put things into a new perspective and live in the here and now. Sure I'm going to revert back in thought - as I am doing in this blog exercise - but I need to recognize
It happened once (to me)
I cannot change the past
I dealt with it a the time the only way I knew with the knowledge I had
It was what it was and no amount of anger with my reaction at the time can change it.
If only I knew a person as wise as Julie years ago I could have saved a lifetime of Anger.
Yes I was angry. Mostly at myself. I had higher standards and had sold myself cheap. I had beaten myself up time and again.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Emotions and eating go heart to mouth not hand in hand.
Are you an emotional eater?
Do different situations and emotions trigger you to go off on an eating binge? Are we unconsciously stuffing ourselves full of bad food choices as a mood elevator? Probably, if you are anything like myself.
Identify and list
Identify your emotional / situational triggers
My List:
Do different situations and emotions trigger you to go off on an eating binge? Are we unconsciously stuffing ourselves full of bad food choices as a mood elevator? Probably, if you are anything like myself.
Identify and list
Identify your emotional / situational triggers
My List:
- Anger
- Disappointment
- Frustration
- Boredom
- Overwhelmed
- Depressed
- Happiness / Joy
- Re-connection
- Celebration
Time for the work.
You probably see the connection by now I have a reason for eating for most of the common emotions. Now that I've identified the trigger, I have to design a plan.
Dodging bullets -one at a time.
Next Post: Anger and Eating Management
---
Today's tarot card: Ace of Swords: upright
Time for decisive action. Slash and burn take no prisoners. The war is at hand... Yes, I'm making my battle plan and showing you, my allies, all the steps I'm taking and working through. Painful emotionally for me hopefully not for you.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Diet success - Clean out the closet
Smaller size
Once you discover that your diet is working, its time to down-size the wardrobe. Bathe or shower, put on clean undergarments and systematically go through your clothing.
Step one - try them all on
Time to get go to work and get dirty. Make some working room for yourself, Empty shelves, push all clothing to one side of the closet rod. Take out footwear that go with certain items. Systematically go through your closet and try on all your items for proper fit. If you wear a certain pair of shoes with the outfit put those on as well. Go to your handy full-length mirror and see if it really fits you. Clothing that fits and you will wear again will go back in its place, properly stored - hung, or folded.
Clothing that's too big or starting to show some sloppiness require your attention, its time to do something with them. Items that are too big or sloppy for you but still nice enough for someone else to use, put in pile one. If you haven't worn the item for a while ask yourself do I still love it, or want it. If the item not something your willing to wear or went out of style also goes in pile one.
Step two - needs attention
While going through your clothing make en effort to put aside items that are stained or have a missing button, or other mending to be done. These items of clothing that need special attention go into pile two.
Step three - Everything has a season
Seasonal items need to be rotated so they are not taking up prime storage real estate need a special place, another closet or room would be best. Make this storage space for seasonal items only. That way when next fall rolls around and there is a chill in the air you can retrieve the sweater or jackets or other seasons items. Go through the fitting process again before its moved back to prime main clothing areas. If you find items that you have kept and that are still too small for you to fit into properly and you decide to keep. These go into pile three.
Step four - working backwards with pile three
Place the too small items in your seasonal storage area separated and noted too small with a date you last tried them on.
Step four - pile two
Decide what to do with pile two the items that need professional cleaning or minor repair. If you dry cleaners also does mending alteration you could take them all there. If you are handy or sewing savvy the mending can be done by you. Just make sure to do it .
Step five
Decide what to do with the big or dated clothing. You have a few choices here if you are green
have a garage sale or give to a charity shop or local cause rummage sale. If you have designer clothing a resale consignment shop might take them and you could get a bit back on your investment. Last you could trash the items.
Step six one week later
If you haven't started the mending - trash the items.
Step seven
Go shopping for at least one new shape flattering outfit, add trimmings if desired. Besides you have some extra storage space to fill.
Once you discover that your diet is working, its time to down-size the wardrobe. Bathe or shower, put on clean undergarments and systematically go through your clothing.
Step one - try them all on
Time to get go to work and get dirty. Make some working room for yourself, Empty shelves, push all clothing to one side of the closet rod. Take out footwear that go with certain items. Systematically go through your closet and try on all your items for proper fit. If you wear a certain pair of shoes with the outfit put those on as well. Go to your handy full-length mirror and see if it really fits you. Clothing that fits and you will wear again will go back in its place, properly stored - hung, or folded.
Clothing that's too big or starting to show some sloppiness require your attention, its time to do something with them. Items that are too big or sloppy for you but still nice enough for someone else to use, put in pile one. If you haven't worn the item for a while ask yourself do I still love it, or want it. If the item not something your willing to wear or went out of style also goes in pile one.
Step two - needs attention
While going through your clothing make en effort to put aside items that are stained or have a missing button, or other mending to be done. These items of clothing that need special attention go into pile two.
Step three - Everything has a season
Seasonal items need to be rotated so they are not taking up prime storage real estate need a special place, another closet or room would be best. Make this storage space for seasonal items only. That way when next fall rolls around and there is a chill in the air you can retrieve the sweater or jackets or other seasons items. Go through the fitting process again before its moved back to prime main clothing areas. If you find items that you have kept and that are still too small for you to fit into properly and you decide to keep. These go into pile three.
Step four - working backwards with pile three
Place the too small items in your seasonal storage area separated and noted too small with a date you last tried them on.
Step four - pile two
Decide what to do with pile two the items that need professional cleaning or minor repair. If you dry cleaners also does mending alteration you could take them all there. If you are handy or sewing savvy the mending can be done by you. Just make sure to do it .
Step five
Decide what to do with the big or dated clothing. You have a few choices here if you are green
have a garage sale or give to a charity shop or local cause rummage sale. If you have designer clothing a resale consignment shop might take them and you could get a bit back on your investment. Last you could trash the items.
Step six one week later
If you haven't started the mending - trash the items.
Step seven
Go shopping for at least one new shape flattering outfit, add trimmings if desired. Besides you have some extra storage space to fill.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Martha Stewart's Memory Box
I love Martha Stewart
What isn't to love, she has focus, determination, and organization down to a science. Martha knows what she wants and has created her own corporation out of herself. I don't compare myself to Martha in any way. And I don't put anyone up against her standards. Bless Martha Stewart, she inspires us to actually do things to beautify, or organize our lives. If Martha wants to know how to do something she likes she gets an expert or one of her crew to demonstrate and explain things to her and us.
Sister-in-Law relates a Martha Stewart moment
Martha's segment was about creating a treasured memory box. Purchase a box or decorate a plain box. The purpose is to place items or story snippets with happy or pleasant memories inside. When you need a lift or want to stroll down happy memory lane, pull out the box and find a random item and read and take time to reflect. Use the box for inspiration.
Brother has his own version:
I have adopted brother's take on the box. We in the family call it The "Tortured memory jar". While I don't believe brother has an actual vessel, I do. As Sister-in-law and I e-correspond a frequent subject is an off-handed comment by my brother that she wants confirmation or elaboration of the story. Then we file it in brother's "Tortured memory jar". Giving the subject a symbolic burial. I imagine his as an overstuffed mayonnaise jar.
Dredge up the ghosts
Deciding to blog about my diet from last weeks re-commitment has spawned many of my own "tortured memories". I see this as necessary work for me, this self reflection and introspection. It is helping me understand why I lost control of my weight. The writing of this blog and planning future subjects has made the speed of the tortured memories pile up rapidly.
Emotional week
This past week has had me looking back and forward. Dredging up more tortured memories that I had filed away and chose to forget - if only for awhile. I have had a few LOL moments, and many a tear this past week. I placed many of my tortured memories on square of colorful origami paper. They are there waiting for me to fold them into a crane, frog, or some other origami shape I've yet to learn. They are waiting for their ritual burial.
Thank you Martha Stewart!
You have given me a new tool. It may not be as you intended, its being used as its best purpose for this fan. Martha, you've given me a way to forgive myself, can you forgive me?
As today's inspiration would say "Its a good thing."
---
Today's Tarot Card:
Nine of cups: upright Triumph and success
A temporary state in this case. The past week has been a success for me. My results of diligence and sleight of mind tricks have worked. It may not always work, the new focus and thoughts have made their point to me. Success in new habits must continue to call it a triumph.
What isn't to love, she has focus, determination, and organization down to a science. Martha knows what she wants and has created her own corporation out of herself. I don't compare myself to Martha in any way. And I don't put anyone up against her standards. Bless Martha Stewart, she inspires us to actually do things to beautify, or organize our lives. If Martha wants to know how to do something she likes she gets an expert or one of her crew to demonstrate and explain things to her and us.
Sister-in-Law relates a Martha Stewart moment
Martha's segment was about creating a treasured memory box. Purchase a box or decorate a plain box. The purpose is to place items or story snippets with happy or pleasant memories inside. When you need a lift or want to stroll down happy memory lane, pull out the box and find a random item and read and take time to reflect. Use the box for inspiration.
Brother has his own version:
I have adopted brother's take on the box. We in the family call it The "Tortured memory jar". While I don't believe brother has an actual vessel, I do. As Sister-in-law and I e-correspond a frequent subject is an off-handed comment by my brother that she wants confirmation or elaboration of the story. Then we file it in brother's "Tortured memory jar". Giving the subject a symbolic burial. I imagine his as an overstuffed mayonnaise jar.
Dredge up the ghosts
Deciding to blog about my diet from last weeks re-commitment has spawned many of my own "tortured memories". I see this as necessary work for me, this self reflection and introspection. It is helping me understand why I lost control of my weight. The writing of this blog and planning future subjects has made the speed of the tortured memories pile up rapidly.
Emotional week
This past week has had me looking back and forward. Dredging up more tortured memories that I had filed away and chose to forget - if only for awhile. I have had a few LOL moments, and many a tear this past week. I placed many of my tortured memories on square of colorful origami paper. They are there waiting for me to fold them into a crane, frog, or some other origami shape I've yet to learn. They are waiting for their ritual burial.
Thank you Martha Stewart!
You have given me a new tool. It may not be as you intended, its being used as its best purpose for this fan. Martha, you've given me a way to forgive myself, can you forgive me?
As today's inspiration would say "Its a good thing."
---
Today's Tarot Card:
Nine of cups: upright Triumph and success
A temporary state in this case. The past week has been a success for me. My results of diligence and sleight of mind tricks have worked. It may not always work, the new focus and thoughts have made their point to me. Success in new habits must continue to call it a triumph.
Situation Report
After one week of re commitment here is an update:
217 pounds to 214 net loss of three pounds or 1.38% (Loss 3 pounds divided by new starting weight 217 * 100 ). Am I above the yellow line? Yes, this isn't a competition like "The Biggest Loser". A loss is a win in this case. Better than I expected – bonus!
Main Strategies:
Divide food into serving sizes in zip bags.
Made conscious choices when it came to eating foods.
Fruit and Vegetable planned snacks.
Looking back at the emotions tied to past binge eating –
This was tough for me but I see it as necessary work that needs to be done to break the bad
eating habits of the past, and certainly to recur.
217 pounds to 214 net loss of three pounds or 1.38% (Loss 3 pounds divided by new starting weight 217 * 100 ). Am I above the yellow line? Yes, this isn't a competition like "The Biggest Loser". A loss is a win in this case. Better than I expected – bonus!
Main Strategies:
Divide food into serving sizes in zip bags.
Made conscious choices when it came to eating foods.
Fruit and Vegetable planned snacks.
Looking back at the emotions tied to past binge eating –
This was tough for me but I see it as necessary work that needs to be done to break the bad
eating habits of the past, and certainly to recur.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Show down
Sabotage
There are many pitfalls when starting a diet. Just the act of telling my partner I was about to focus on my diet was a reason for the latest grocery trip. Partner comes home beaming with joy and stocks the pantry with all my favorite junk food.
There are many pitfalls when starting a diet. Just the act of telling my partner I was about to focus on my diet was a reason for the latest grocery trip. Partner comes home beaming with joy and stocks the pantry with all my favorite junk food.
Announcing proudly “I brought you some....”
- Potato chips
- Flavored corn chips
- Fried Cheese flavored puffs
- And your favorite....chocolate snack cakes
Oh the sweet life
I don't have to worry about the salty things, for now, as I already have my lower calorie choices available. Besides R. likes all of them too. If I don't eat them, they still will disappear. Its the chocolate snack cakes placed on top of the Refrigerator. I imagine I hear them calling from on top of the refrigerator. I can't hide them in the pantry, out of sight still would not be out of mind. They have to stay prominently within view. Because that's where the sweet snacks have always been.
It has to be me
I have to remember that I'm the only one that eats sweets. My other half eats sweets, but has never craved them, never having a second portion of anything I bought or made that had a hint of sugar in it. Partners motto would have to be “Ones a plenty”. While my motto was “Eight isn't enough”. To hide the rolled chocolate cake, cream filled, chocolate enrobed, plastic encased, three bite blisses anywhere else would be to invite another shopping trip for partner to fill the sweet spot, with something else just as tempting with a product that has the shelf half-life of yellow cake uranium.
Temptation
I must face the enemy constantly. Its red, white, and blue box with the freckled innocent girl in western hat smiles with joy at me knowing she's going to win eventually. Her treasure will never spoil, or go moldy.
Advantage Tom B. - today
I think I can make Gunfighter Deb wait just another sundown before I give her satisfaction.
Today was a draw. We both stared each other down. Tell me how am I to win this invitation to duel? Her eyes are drawn open!
Today's tarot card
Strength: reversed
Facing a test of my own determination and will. Finding the power within to be able to succeed. Isn't that what diets are about?
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